Waste
My life. I thought about it for a few moments, trying to think of all the things of merit I had done. There weren’t many. My life was such a waste.
I sighed for a moment, leaning over the counter of the mini-bar in my apartment. It seemed like every night was like this one recently. Filled with depressing thoughts. True thoughts, but depressing none-the-less.
It was days like these that I almost wished I didn’t have a mini-bar. But then I always realized that it wouldn’t matter. It would just take an extra ten minutes before I was drunk out of my mind, drinking life away.
That’s what my life had come to now. I was truly, utterly pointless. I wasn’t a doctor saving anyone. I wasn’t a scientist finding a way to cure cancer. I wasn’t a lawyer putting bad guys in jail. If anything, I was one of those bad guys.
No, I wasn’t anything good. I had turned away from the law at an early age, instead embracing evil. Things that filled me with temporary pleasure but wouldn’t last more than a few minutes. I had stolen, lied, cheated, fornicated. I even burned down a house once.
Then I was thrown in jail, and my worthless life became even more worthless. I didn’t have a conversion experience. I just kept being who I was: a worthless man with nothing to show for his life than one misdeed after another.
When I got out I turned to the bottle. What else was there to do? Any decent job would turn me away after seeing my rap sheet – my criminal record. I didn’t want a decent job anyway. I just wanted to be me. To have fun.
But the things I did weren’t fun. Not after a few minutes. Only in the moment. So the bottle became an addiction. The one thing I could rely on to give me a good time any time I wanted.
I pushed myself up with my forearms from the counter and prepared myself a drink. The first for the day.
Five minutes later than yesterday, I mused. I guess today was a good day if I waited this long.
But it wasn’t a good day, I knew. No day was a good day – no day ever had been in my life. A new day was just a new chance to get drunk. To do nothing worthwhile.
Because that’s what my life had come to. So I drank, and thought more depressing thoughts about my life.
What I didn’t know was that that would be the last time I ever drank. Tonight would be my last night on earth. Alcohol does that if you drink too much of it.
A. Page in the Stacks 